I’ve been employed for nigh two years now (13 or 444 depending on which timeline you’re following). One thing is for sure, wherever you work, whatever you do, whoever it’s for, however questionable the legality, it’s a horrid, soul-sapping experience. You’re better off lounging at your parent’s place with their abundantly-stocked fridge at your disposal, eating them out of house and home like they expected you to. You let your parents down, Man. They anticipated a failure but look at you, you’re not even a father yet. So, Working Class Man, GDP Contributor – you need a way out, don’t you? You can’t possibly spend another day being productive! How can you tolerate the shame of being punctual and responsible and fully-clothed? Your 12-year-old self would beat you up if they saw how great you are with a stapler and email. Look in the mirror, look what you’ve become! You’re contributing to team success. You have excellent peer relations. You haven’t been chastised by HR once. You’re even gonna have that presentation ready for Thursday’s meeting. It’s a damn disgrace. Another day of making a difference in the world is going to kill you.
Time to exit gracefully. Allow me to introduce you to CEM: Career Ending Moves. A careful application of a combination of these can unburden you from the merciless reality of being an upstanding member of society. Never again will you be shackled and obligated to answer a telephone or open Microsoft Word on purpose. Toss that unflattering uniform and ID card out the window today!
If anybody asks for the date that your project will be completed on, give them the finger and reply, “The first”.
Walk around the office barefoot. If they allow that, walk around with shoes. They can’t control you, Malcolm X.
Tell your boss, “Nice mammory glands”, if she’s a her. Mix it up with a wink if your boss is a guy. (Hint: If he responds to the wink positively, resign)
Wear an offensive T-shirt on a non-casual Friday. Something really bad like “This is my kidnapping shirt” or “Chloroform Everyday” or “One Direction”.
Come to work covered in blood.
Listen to the upbeat Taylor Swift songs loud enough for Eric, who sits next to you, to hear and be appalled.
Clip your nails at the desk where you’re all singing Happy Birthday to Sandra, the lady whose husband just left her days before her birthday.
Mention how work is gay and only enjoyed by Nigerians and women. (The bonus points here are for being racist, sexist, xenophobic and homophobic in just 10 words!)
Get drunk and show up at your boss’ house asking for leave for tomorrow.
BONUS (For Software Developers):
Use whatever bullshit subversion client your team uses to log onto your source code repository and delete a folder called “trunk”. Ignore any warnings, Maverick.
Log onto the most important production database server. Don’t punk out – people are watching. Open a new query to the biggest database. Type in “BEGIN TRAN”, execute the query and take a coffee break. YOLO.
There you go. You’re welcome. Come relax in the leisure zone, a paradise of pure laziness. It must feel like how Mandela felt after his long stay on Robben Island. Liberty, can you taste it? Welcome to unemployment, to care-free days of waking up at 11AM. To constantly having to borrow money from your parents, and giving excuses to your friends because you can’t afford that trip to see Ed Sheeran live. Congratulations on now having time to play cricket with school teachers while there’s still daylight, and doing the community service you incurred after being convicted of robbing an old woman of her pension, because you’re strapped for cash like all the time now. Every single day you, Captain America, will have the freedom to finally try and play the guitar, experiment with getting high on bath salts, and put up with various family members trying to fix you a job. Hey, you know better than to fall into that trap again.
PRO TIP: When people ask what you do for a living now there’s so many lies you can tell; you’re an actuary, you cameo’d on The Big Bang Theory, you’re busy finishing your second degree in financial quantum mechanics, you’re involved in studying mind control in dolphins, you felt it’s time for a break after the Nobel Prize scoop – you can be anything. Be proud of yourself.