Throw Me A Frickin’ Teaspoon

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About three petrol-price-hikes back I experienced a premature mid-life crisis. I flicked my hair the other way, became a Buddhist for 12 minutes, and deleted MXit because I love jackfruit. In the inconsequential rage session that followed I may have said something insensitive:

“Friend”: Nobody likes you!
Naven: No! Everybody doesn’t like you! They all wish you were a blonde model, locked in a bathroom, with your paranoid paralympian boyfriend waiting outside, holding a gun, on Valentine’s Day.

Yes yes, I know. That’s a very sore topic. Some of us want Oscar to be innocent, some want him to burn at the stake. Some want to be interrogated by Barry Roux in a damp cellar just because he’s so damn good at it. If you totally click on his name in the last sentence there, you can learn all about him in song.

It’s disheartening to see one of the most inspirational things to come out of this third world gem, be tarnished by homicide. So you’d have to be rather cynical to hope he’s convicted. On the other hand/claw, would you condone murder as justifiable to protect yourself from burglary? Yes? Chances are you play Grand Theft Auto and like the feeling of hot wax on your bare feet. Shame, prison’s no place for pretty white boys.

I know you’ve been waiting months for “pretty white boy” to be used in a sentence. You’re welcome. There used to be this warm feeling not dissimilar to heartburn every time you saw the Bladerunner embarrass able-bodied athletes with his peg legs. Most of us stopped running at all after that. Os ran for us all. For you, Fat Man. For you, Rhino Poacher. For you, Hipster. For Mazibuko, the Pipe Wrench Salesman. For Emile, the Bacon Evangelist. For Awari, the Nigerian Student Drug Dealer. For Mirriam, Tumi and Venesh from the Post Office. For everyone from the fresh produce aisle at Checkers. Show some support, will you?

Unfortunately not everyone is gifted with superior athletic prowess and great hair. I, for example, have embraced a more entrepreneurial outlook and turned to small business for security. Yes, if you’re a party animal looking for a good time, look no further than me to provide you with all the substances you need to abuse. Shout for the following:

Wristtweezers
Uppers
Downers
Sidewayers
Camelstooth
Nazibiters
Pretzelmongers
Eelsticks
Wheezekicks
Jellybabies
Marrowsparrows
Whistlecrystals

While stocks last, of course. Call me. We’ll meet under the stairs. I’ll be the nervous looking one.

As you can gather from the products available, the target market is mainly witty, creative, politically-progressive young people burdened with many emotions and feelings and struggling to be understood in the modern context. Please be a hipster with money, please be a hipster with money.

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I have no idea what I’m saying. To be honest, I got distracted by a cobweb six minutes ago and that was a self-induced hallucination thing that the doctor said happens sometimes. Also, often recently I’ve been systematically stealing teaspoons from work. Unlike when I used to be into lighters, I’ve refrained from calling it petty theft or even kleptomania. I’d like to think that it’s my subconscious preparing for a global resource scramble. Teaspoons will have hundreds of uses in a post-apocalyptic world. They can be used to make telescopes, Windmill spanners, tank valves and diabetic shoes. A humble teaspoon can be fashioned into a Jaws of Life or another spoon with greater purpose even. Don’t even get me started on it’s military applications.

Okay. I’m sorry I bored you and drew your attention away from that scar running down your back. Coincidently, if you’re a girl and you fell asleep, don’t be surprised. I have put more girls to sleep than the Sugar Cane Killer.

As the French say, “Go away”

You Have Failed This Suburban Area!

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Approaching from the North Coast, Umzinto is not that difficult to reach. Just hop in your car and drive towards Port Shepstone, and when you are tired, you’ll be in Umzinto. Being almost exactly between Durban and Port Shepstone, it was established by people too lazy to travel between the two places. You’ll know when you’re there. It’s hard to miss the broken-down sugar cane trucks on the roadside, and some guy will try to sell you glue to feed his addiction to ARVs. It’s relatively safe. Though, you could fall into a pothole. Local Government has a mildly effective solution to potholes; they put signs, next to the part of the road that has the potholes, that say “Potholes”. You’re welcome. Potholes in Umzinto are so big that if you fall in, there’s a guy in uniform at the bottom asking to see your passport.

The local high school is on your left. Umzinto Secondary is where all the cool kids go to bring shame to their families. The ultra-hip guys crush marijuana just outside the gate. They wear their school ties while doing it. Call them drug addicts, but they still have pride in their school. The school girls monitor the road alongside, intent on finding a suitable, out-of-school mate to disrespect them. They wave you down to say, “Hey! Take advantage of me! I’m practically eighteen!”. You will probably see them start salivating when they see some unemployed guy with loud music, cigarettes and facial jewelry drive past.

Religiously, Umzinto is ahead of the game. In a 50 km radius there are 23 churches with 2.5 qualified pastors. 94% of the population are Christian and 93% celebrate Diwali with a smidgen of guilt. 99% of all residents unanimously agree that terrorism is “totally lame” because they like cheese burgers and casual intercourse. Pay attention to your driving. During the CBD upgrade, the engineer’s plans got mixed up and now the road signs and markings actually direct you towards an accident.

This guy was charged for looking fat in a Bafana shirt
This guy was charged for looking fat in a Bafana shirt

If you’re hungry, you could get some expired cereal from the shops. They sell the cereal and the prize you’re supposed to get inside the box, separately. What economic genius. Beware of falling into open manholes. It’s not as fun as it sounds. In that event you could sue the municipality and win, if your cousin works for them. Never question the freshness of the local produce. Fruit and vegetables are delivered to vendors bright and early by the local alcoholic. Don’t come during summer though. There’ll be the annual flood we weren’t expecting. Which is, as you’d expect, judgement on the town for it’s overpriced mutton. Hey, but if Rhino gets flooded you can get a two-litre of Coke for ten rand from the police officer in charge of the investigation. Crime will only affect you if you let it. There’s even a Wall of Fame outside the holding cells for guys who break out within the impressive 20 minute mark. We have a very sophisticated, ground-breaking approach to tackling crime. In Umzinto, Law Enforcement leaves the crime fighting to you. Few things can match the bitter-sweet irony of getting mugged in front of the police station.

We were totally unprepared for the flood which also happened last year and the year before and..
We were totally unprepared for the flood which also happened last year and the year before and..
Flooded = Bargains
Flooded = Bargains

The hallmark and testament to Umzinto’s modernization is the KFC right in the centre of the CBD. With it’s questionable blend of eleven secret herbs and spices, it has enslaved the population to enjoy nothing better than vomiting in their parking lot. Carry extra ten cent coins when you go there though. The Glue Boys (named so because they sniff glue), who inhabit the street outside, will not hesitate to mock your upbringing should you not give them as many ten cent coins as you have. It’s not uncommon, when you’re strolling through town, to see teenagers haggling liquor store owners or to overhear something like, “That tree will die if I keep pissing on it”. Sons of local teachers and store owners congregate in open, makeshift parking areas with their Golfs to smoke a cigarette, exchange loose girl’s phone numbers and talk about valves. Speaking of Golfs, that’s an Indian girl’s Kryptonite. Tell an Indian girl you have a Golf and she will hand you her bag to hold so she can start undressing.

Get a brown girl today!
Get a brown girl today!

St Anne’s is the primary school on the hilltop. It occupies an enviably dramatic location next to the Catholic Church and Cemetery. It’s convenient in that you can pray for forgiveness in the church whose convent garden you stole mangoes from. There’s also nothing quite so motivating than looking at a statue of a crucified Jesus, first thing in the morning on your way to school. It’s all very entertaining. I hear rumors that even the nuns occupy themselves by engaging in the local favorite game of  Guess Who’s Daughter’s Pregnant Now?

Inspiration on the way to school every morning
Inspiration on the way to school every morning

Make certain to visit Riverside Park. It has a library next to the river. It’s very picturesque to see all the overdue books floating on the surface of the water. Most of the people living there are employed in the full-time job of standing by the power box. Don’t be surprised to find the tenants dressed better than you. Food, rent, electricity and other unimportant things aren’t so much of a priority in RSP. You must understand, you have to look good enough to sit on a manhole and change your BlackBerry Display Picture all day. If you’re bored, you can join the local guys in some light cable theft. Children are left to play freely in the moderately safe environment. They are not expected to be back indoors until they get ringworms. If ringworms were good enough for their parents, it’s good enough for them. Family and Tradition, there’s a strong sense of that in Umzinto. There’s nothing quite like seeing a daughter-in-law, with her third child on her hip, fighting with her mother-in-law on the third floor window, at 10 am on a Tuesday morning. “Go sell yourself your black thing!,” she says.

Some guys spoil all the fun
Some guys spoil all the fun
We only trust white people to search for drugs
We only trust white people to search for drugs

All in all, Umzinto is a great exhibition of the spirit of middle class alcoholics. Which is why it was rated the number one immigration destination by Nigerian, Pakistani and Chinese drug/human traffickers. Jealous much, Park Rynie?

Find out more, Punk:

Church Robbers

Sugar Cane Killer

Drugs and More Drugs

Fraud

Achievement

Lola’s blog post about an incident at Umzinto Secondary