How To Make Friends

Imagine it’s 4pm and you receive your daily call from Ma. She’s gonna ask how you are, when you’re getting married, and tell you the geyser at home is broken. You’re not prepared to feign sympathy, or appear optimistic. You’ve just spent the whole day crying in bed because the last selfie you posted on Facebook got just 4 likes and one sad reaction. If only there was someone who could answer the call in your place.

Sounds like you need a friend.

Fortunately I’ve mastered the art of friendship. I have like, 5 friends. 12 if you count people online.

Scientists claim you need to possess attributes such as “empathy” and “charisma” to accquire friends. That’s hard (impossible) for you to get now (at 27 with your last two pairs of clean socks, and crippling anxiety).

So, just follow these simple steps to get all the friends:

1. Do 35 pushups

If you can only manage 34, you’re doomed.

2. Know political buzzwords like “communism” and “lady drivers”

3. Owe people money

They will call, message and look for you all the time!

4. Staple your payslip to your shirt before you go out

Potential friends need to know you can afford to buy quinoa from Woolworths.

5. Have a gun, or be able to make a fake gun with your fingers in case it goes down

Future friends need to feel safe and protected around you.

6. Carry Benylin Cough SyrupTM with you wherever you go

If someone has a cough, guess what? You’re the hero.

7. Whisper “Voldemort was the real hero” into the ear of everyone you meet

8. Go to a gym and lift heavy things

Fellow gym enthusiasts will be forced to concede to your burn and pump. It’s nature, Bro.

9. Slay the dragon terrorizing the village folk

10. Rap

11. Learn hypnosis

Who can resist finding you charming and relateable when they’re under your total control?

12. Read a person’s blog post, ask for their banking details and send them 200 bucks with the reference “You are really tall”

We are now friends. Thanks.