How To Make Friends

Imagine it’s 4pm and you receive your daily call from Ma. She’s gonna ask how you are, when you’re getting married, and tell you the geyser at home is broken. You’re not prepared to feign sympathy, or appear optimistic. You’ve just spent the whole day crying in bed because the last selfie you posted on Facebook got just 4 likes and one sad reaction. If only there was someone who could answer the call in your place.

Sounds like you need a friend.

Fortunately I’ve mastered the art of friendship. I have like, 5 friends. 12 if you count people online.

Scientists claim you need to possess attributes such as “empathy” and “charisma” to accquire friends. That’s hard (impossible) for you to get now (at 27 with your last two pairs of clean socks, and crippling anxiety).

So, just follow these simple steps to get all the friends:

1. Do 35 pushups

If you can only manage 34, you’re doomed.

2. Know political buzzwords like “communism” and “lady drivers”

3. Owe people money

They will call, message and look for you all the time!

4. Staple your payslip to your shirt before you go out

Potential friends need to know you can afford to buy quinoa from Woolworths.

5. Have a gun, or be able to make a fake gun with your fingers in case it goes down

Future friends need to feel safe and protected around you.

6. Carry Benylin Cough SyrupTM with you wherever you go

If someone has a cough, guess what? You’re the hero.

7. Whisper “Voldemort was the real hero” into the ear of everyone you meet

8. Go to a gym and lift heavy things

Fellow gym enthusiasts will be forced to concede to your burn and pump. It’s nature, Bro.

9. Slay the dragon terrorizing the village folk

10. Rap

11. Learn hypnosis

Who can resist finding you charming and relateable when they’re under your total control?

12. Read a person’s blog post, ask for their banking details and send them 200 bucks with the reference “You are really tall”

We are now friends. Thanks.

Open Source Inspiration

I don’t know if posting the source code to a blog makes it open source but probably not. Anyway, I run this program, first thing, every morning to help keep me motivated. Maybe it’ll help you, Lost_Nun87. By all means, modify Betrayal to suit your lack of needs. It’s free until you execute the thing, which is when you get Heartbleed – actual heart bleed.

PLOT TWIST: WordPress is acting a little bit vegetarian and not displaying stuff properly. The source code only renders well in Internet Explorer. Pray for me.
It’s also on pastebin in all it’s syntactic, indented glory so there.

using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Text;
using System.Threading;
using System.Collections;

namespace Betrayal
{
   /*
     Ground-breaking SUPERCLASS,
     which is what we would call it,
     if that wasn't theoretical heresy
   */
    public class Betrayal
    {
        /*properties and stuff*/
        public string peasantsName { get; set; }
        public string finalWords { get; set; }
        private readonly List<string> yourBetrayals;
        private static Random rnd;

        /*constructor, that totally works, Son*/
        public Betrayal(string peasantsName)
        {
            this.peasantsName = peasantsName;
            this.yourBetrayals = new List<string>(new string[]{"Puzzling from them days.",
             "Aim low.",
             "Nobody cares about your new shoes.",
             "You have no idea what you're doing.",
             "Oh, the Shame.",
             "That's why your father left.",
             "God loves you. I don't.",
             "Do you even DJ?",
             "No biscuits for you.",
             "All your pot plants will die.",
             "That dream you have is lame.",
             "People make fun of you on BBM.",
             "Your mother's maiden name."
            });  //all the fun betrayals
            rnd = new Random();
        }

        /*very lazy methods*/
        public override string ToString()
        {
            return "Everyday is a new betrayal, " + this.peasantsName;
        }

        public void PersonalizedBetrayal()
        {
            this.finalWords = (string)yourBetrayals[rnd.Next(yourBetrayals.Count)]; //random one to surprise and horrify you
        }

    }

    class DailyMotivation //what a total slave class
    {
        static void UninspiringTimeWaster()
        {
            Console.Out.Write("Enter your stupid name: "); //fairly well-mannered user prompt/demand
            string yourPeasantName = Console.In.ReadLine();

            Betrayal dailyBetrayal = new Betrayal(yourPeasantName); //some other things that are not your business

            Console.Out.WriteLine("\n{0}.\n", dailyBetrayal); //ta-da!

            for (int i = 0; i < 3; i++) //ominous silence
            {
                Thread.Sleep(800);
                Console.Out.Write(".");
            }

            dailyBetrayal.PersonalizedBetrayal(); //are you even excited?

            Console.Out.WriteLine("\n\n{0} \n", dailyBetrayal.finalWords); //disappointing conclusion

            Console.Out.WriteLine("\nEnter R for another betrayal (standard SMS rates apply)");
            Console.Out.Write("Or Enter to leave, Girly-man: "); //nondiscriminatory taunt
            char r = Convert.ToChar(Console.In.Read());

            if (r.ToString().Equals("r", StringComparison.OrdinalIgnoreCase))
            {
                Console.ReadLine(); //polishing the filthy buffer
                Console.Clear(); //nothing to see here
                DailyMotivation.UninspiringTimeWaster(); //deja vu
            }
            else
                Environment.Exit(0); //Run!
        }

        /* seriously underrated Main method, that does all the work for zero recognition */
        static void Main(string[] args)
        {
            DailyMotivation.UninspiringTimeWaster(); //take it easy, breathe
        }
    }
}

 

Here’s a sample run:

Simply enter your peasant name begrudgingly
Simply enter your peasant name begrudgingly

Enjoy and remember to not break the stapler.