Do you have what it takes to join an elite, underground movement?
To expose the diabolical plot perpetrated by corrupt government and formal religion?
To unsuppress human history and enlighten mankind?
To answer a fourth question?
If your answer is yes to all the above, then grab the nearest pencil and take the unofficial Illuminati Personality Test.
Tally up your choices and compare them at the end.
[DISCLAIMER] The views expressed in this questionnaire do not reflect those of the immense, criminal organization known as The Illuminati, President Barack Obama or any other secret member including Barney The Dinosaur.
1. What is your questionable gender?
C. You refused to be defined by gender/Pyrofox
2. I don’t care, but how are you feeling today?
B. Totally-tripping, Son
D. What you said?
E. Feelings are for girls
3. What do you pretend to do for a living besides touch teaspoons?
A. Do hairstyles
D. Dog walker
E. Radish farmer
F. Third wheel
4. Is Spiderman 2 the best superhero movie ever?
C. Both a and b
D. Magic Mike
5. The USA is..
A. The standard for modern civilization
B. #Swag, Hater
C. An imperialistic, yankee pig-dog
6. Catholics are..
A. Secretly the lost White Ninja Clan
B. One of the reasons we have to tie shoelaces
C. Nice people that give you coke for playing table tennis in short pants
D. Seriously considering Protestantism
7. It’s okay to BBM…
A. In Sunday School
B. While drowning
C. After visiting Grandpa at the cemetery
D. Under a table during an earthquake
E. Never. You’re not retarded
8. How long before you give up a secret?
A. Not even after brutal torture by candlelight
B. Soon after being given a box of Smarties
C. Anytime, for a chance to touch my knee
D. It depends on the amount of mulberry leaves you smoke (3 or 4)
9. Who do you think belonged to the fictional (wink) super-secret society, The Illuminati?
A. The Buddha
B. One of the twelves disciples and Cleopatra
C. One Direction ft. Beyonce
D. The Beatles, Tim Cook and that tall guy on How I Met Your Mother
E. Lady Gaga (ahem), your friend Denver, Tia and Tamera
F. The 4th grade class at St Anne’s, the entire cast of Desperate Housewives and some girl selling shoes
10. In High School you were voted…
A. Most likely to fall down stairs
B. Most likely to continue suffering with eczema
C. Least likely to be content with how your trousers set on your shoes
D. Most capable of safeguarding a secret organization’s ambitious efforts to overthrow all forms of government
11. The ship is sinking, who should be the first to be evacuated?
A. Woman and children
B. Bros before hoes
C. People who paid their TV licence
D. Librarians because they do so quietly
E. You, a filthy rich megalomaniac via an exclusive, secret, high-tech lifeboat
12. What motivates you?
A. An insatiable lust for power
B. You really want to know what dolphin tastes like
C. Avoiding eye contact with a pretty girl
D. A desire to see your Harry Potter fan-fiction became a reality
Compare your results:
Mostly As – You cannot join the Illuminati. Don’t even ask.
Mostly Bs – Seriously, you cannot join the Illuminati.
Mostly Cs – I assume you’re pretty good at Candy Crush. Keep it that way.
Mostly Ds – Have you tried playing Volleyball instead?
Mostly Es and Fs – Look into the light for me please…